22/11/2009

Sure I was thinking about Michael too much for my own good, I went for a walk at sunset. It was okay, but I was waiting for a proper nightfall so I could get a look at the stars. Too often I forgot about looking up, especially at night. Part of it was for lack of a porch. I really missed having a porch area of some kind. It was a good place to drink a pot of coffee in the morning and have a meditative cigarette at night. There wasn't anything I really needed but I didn't want to go out for nothing, so I bought a pack of fresher cigarettes and a candy bar. The price of cigarettes had gotten ridiculous, making me grateful I wasn't more of a smoker. The few left in the freezer were the last of a carton; it had been a long time since I'd bought a single pack of cigarettes and they'd added a lot of tax in that time. The candy bar was a new flavor I hadn't tried before, dark chocolate and mint. I didn't need it, I really didn't need it, but it would be a little treat to savor later after I got high. I started thinking of things I'd need to be getting at the grocery store. I'd have to call on Martha and she if she wanted to help take me shopping at the big box store, hopefully we could run our errands together, since I didn't have a car and she did. Usually I could just smoke a joint or two with her and we would wander the warehouse of food together, maybe go in on something packaged in a giant cube. It was cheap and that was what it had going for it, although she did like wandering the almost deserted store at night, but mostly they'd been having to shoehorn it into an afternoon during the week in more of a rush and that wasn't nearly as much fun, having more of an urgency to it, which harshened the buzz if they got high at all. Martha was getting to be more of a pain, or was it she who was getting to be more of a pain to Martha. Edna grimaced at the thought but it was probably right. Martha just didn't have much time for her any more. She could have been painting it in a more negative light but it was the way it seemed at that moment. Really, she'd been putting Martha in a box labeled boring herself. She never really looked forward to spending time with her any more so much as getting her shopping over with. Maybe she wasn't putting enough effort into it. Edna stopped herself and made herself look around and stop trudging along with her head down. The few streetlights were turning on as the horizon to her left was losing its gold to a fading canvas of blue. She thought of Michael's big beaming smile. That was the only time she got a look at hiw sharp his teeth were and how white. Mostly he grinned a tight lipped grin and when he spoke his lips mostly covered his teeth. Most of the time you wouldn't notice his teeth, except when he smiled. She had only seen that genuinely happy looking smile, not a scary one. He probably could look very scary but she hadn't seen it yet. It was enough to change her thinking into a brighter shade. Maybe she would call him in an hour or two and see if he wanted the pot she'd already secured. It wouldn't be too soon for him since we was out, there was no silly game playing necessary. And besides, she wasn't thinking of him as a date, but as a friend. Maybe she'd put on a movie this time, maybe she should hike it to the little rental store over on Clinton while she was out. She still had credit there. She loved credit, it made things seem so clean with no money having to exchange hands. It was like being able to say the usual at a bar or being waved through at a club. Things weren't all bad with this town. Live anywhere long enough and you get the little things that make life a little smoother. She really should be more social, get out more, but a little here and there was all the fun there was of it, any more than that and it was a bore that turned into weird social obligations with people expecting to see you every day or else they feel snubbed. Once in a while and people acted like it was a special treat. Edna could be social once in a while, but most of the time she liked to be able to be on her own. There were a few people she kept her hand in with but mostly it was to keep from totally losing touch, with connections and the occasional rudimentary gossip. Really, it was pot that kept her social as much as it kept her happy to be on her own. Most of the time when she got a good batch, she couldn't wait to be able to smoke it on her own and listen to music or watch something, read or do whatever, without having to worry what other people thought, just completely relax, but she had been on her own too much for a while. She had gotten out of the habit of even looking in a mirror and she'd put on weight. Her hair had gotten long in the default way of someone who didn't bother and her clothes showed no effort, only comfort. Just walking to the store was good for her, she thought. At least she wasn't already out of breath. She caught herself in time to get back into some kind of shape.
It was too bright in the video store, the way it always was, and she looked around and the dollar rentals. Maybe there was something she hadn't seen already or something worth seeing again. she didn't want to bother with the new releases, most of which weren't very new. Maybe something animated, something foreign. They didn't have a lot of foreign options outside of horror. Nothing was leaping out at her. A few aisle away some teenage couples were making fun of something, sounding like generic teenage jocks everywhere, arrogant, ignorant. Somewhere else there were kids and parents. Edna suddenly wanted to get out of the store very badly but she didn't want to leave empty handed. Just pick something. She hadn't seen Master And Commander but she didn't feel like it. Lord, not Underworld or Blade, they weren't even good movies. Something visual, quick, quick, just pick something. She walked the to the new releases and grabbed Wall-e. She didn't have to watch it with him there anyway, and she'd only seen it once. She got to the counter and was out in two minutes but they seemed to last forever. It was always that way in the video store, if she didn't have something in mind she could grab right away, it became urgent to get out after a few minutes. Was it the lighting or the other people there, whatever it was she was out now and the darkness washed over her with relief. She could take the straight way home or loop around the more residential way and she found herself doing the latter, the darker, less public way. Balancing on the curb, she felt better, with no one watching her. She mused on the therapeutic used of pot as she certainly had developed a social phobia or anxiety. Also, she must look a mess. She'd feel better if she looked better, she thought. She could play with her hair and make up when she got back, see if that helped. But not before she saw Michael, she didn't want to look like she'd done herself up for him. He'd already seen her and her place, and he seemed okay with it. No use putting lipstick on a pig. Still, there was nothing wrong with making an effort. It was nice to be out, the air was cool and it was fully dark now. She almost whistled, but she didn't feel fully alone yet. That was the point, wasn't it? To get out more. None of this had probably taken any time at all, but it was good she had gotten out. But she wouldn't feel right until she was back in her own place, preferably with a bowl in her hand. Stoner. She certainly looked like one.
At the door, she felt relief. Shutting it, she exhaled, throwing the movie on the couch with other purchases. Stepping out of her shoes, she walked toward the freezer, wanting to smoke what was left of the old pack. Looking around, she tried to see it with new eyes, the place still looked neater and she liked it better. The window was still open from before. She lit her cigarette with a flourish and put up her feet, taking up the whole couch. Her back arched and sighed loudly, feeling stupid. Get it together, get it together. Looking don at herself, she decide the skirt was okay but maybe she should change into a different shirt. Oh, what was the difference. Maybe she could clip back her hair. She stubbed out the cigarette carefully and got out the pipe. She was smoking too much lately, not waiting. It was wasteful, she chastised herself, but she was running herself down too much and she should stop. It was making her anxious and she was thinking too much. Just relax, just be. She didn't have to worry, she'd gotten a whole new ounce, it didn't matter. She inhaled slow and steady, watching each part of the pot catch and burn away. She could hold her breath for ages. Exhale. Better. Her head buzzed in silence. There, now what the hell were you blathering about. This moment, just live this moment. And all the rest of it washed away, for the moment. She lay back and reached for her cigarette, paused a beat before lighting it. The remote prodded her thigh, so she reached for it and clicked on the television. Some sitcom rerun. She turned the sound down and got up to put the new pack of cigarettes in the freezer and put the candy bar in the kitchen pantry. She was just being foolish earlier, glad none of the blather in her head had leaked out. If she had acted weird in the video store, she was blocking it out. Just now. She took big steps out of the tiny kitchen and twirled into the living room, leaping to the couch in a single step on her tiptoes. Once you've chilled out, you can call Michael, she thought, ashing her cigarette. The movie was in her hand. Might as well put it in. What was on tonight, anything? Whatever, it's not important. Nothing is important. Enjoy yourself as much as you can, that's important. Don't waste it. The first part of Wall-e was heart breaking, she remembered, putting out the butt of her cigarette, finishing the bowl. When Eve showed up she was as delighted as a small child. She loved that. The purity of the moment. It rippled through her. She was halfway through the movie before she remembered she was suppose to call Michael, thinking she could put it off a bit, when the phone rang.