21/11/2009

Maybe she had a crush, but thinking of Michael made her smile. She didn't want to get physical with him, not yet, nothing like that. She didn't really know how she felt about him so far except that she liked him. She was excited about having a new friend, if that's what they were becoming. She didn't want to over think it, it was too easy to do that with anything. If she let herself she could get all anxious about it, ripping apart her behavior to find things to regret and be embarrassed about, so she had to make herself stop that, couldn't let herself cross the line towards obsessing. Edna sipped the smoke of a single hit to prevent it. She hugged a pillow. It was okay to let herself feel good about something, harmless to be a bit goofy, what could it hurt. She got up to get a glass of water, she usually drank a lot of water. It was suppose to be good for you and Edna thought it would dilute any thing bad for her, flush things out. She could throw back a pint of water, no problem. Michael had only tasted his water, taken in only enough to wet his mouth a few times. His general ease made it easy for Edna to relax and they had passed a couple hours enjoying the buzz in a calm laid back manner with light conversation. The pot had added to the feeling to tingly excitement, she hoped the next batch was comparable. Overall, today she felt a kind of freedom, like relief from some burden. She must have been feeling more stressed out than she knew lately, a kind of inhibiting anxiety that made the world feel cramped and small. Now it felt like she could lift her head again and look around, like things were lighter, brighter. Maybe there was some vampire residue on the mouth of the pipe that had antidepressant powers, maybe he had the ability to manipulate moods. Or maybe she had been so isolated these last few weeks that anything was a breath of fresh air breaking her out of her shell, she thought, turning to her computer, looking for some music. Something new or something old. She didn't want to endanger her good mood with the unknown, so she found some old Elvis Costello and clicked. She loaded another wee red haired clump into the bowl and obliterated it in a single drag. Breakfast had been a quick scramble of eggs to feed the machine and now they were happily digesting. She decided on a third lungful to ride the positive feelings up as far as they could take her, pivoting to the upbeat rhthyms thumping out of her small round speakers. With a delicate precision, she removed another clump of bud and loaded the bowl, covering it with her thumb. With a step into the bedroom, she launched herself on to the bed on her belly, snuggled into the blanket and lit the pipe. She held her breath as she snuggled around onto her back, exhaling into a flat starfish shape, wiggling her arms and legs like a snow angel. Ah. It's not that all is right in the world but at least nothing is wrong. There was nothing pressing that had to be done and the day stretched out before her, full of possibilities. She was comfortable, feeling flattened, flush with the bed. She could do anything, including just laying there until it stopped being what she actively wanted to do. Snuggle, snuggle. Water. Water and some straightening up, she thought. The bed would only take a second, the kitchen was already clean. The piles and piles of things in the living room weren't really going anywhere. She rolled onto her stomach and propped herself up by the chin. Might as well, she thought, heaving herself up on her feet with a single push up. Everybody's going through the motions, are you really only going through the motions. Looking around, she decided she could get rid of a bunch of clutter by stacking a bunch of books in front of the ones already on the shelf. It was a quick exercise and already things looked better. She couldn't remember why she had them out in the first place, but they'd been piled for at least a month or two. And the papers could be put away except for this one pile, she wasn't in the mood to sort and she knew out of sight was out of mind but she was going to chance it by dropping them all in a drawer. What a big difference it made. Oh I feel so loose tonight I might fall to pieces, so please excuse me as I fall upon the floor, something something something before the music ceases, she really needed to turn up the volume. Michael had mentioned some movie for its visual, what was it called? Did he say if he had a copy or just had seen it? He didn't seem that old, maybe he was still a newish vampire, but weren't they suppose to be more violent or unpredictable? Edna seriously started to question where any of her vampire knowledge came from. Where was she getting this stuff? She decided to check wikipedia to see if there was any straight factual stuff out there. Of course it turned out that most of the page had to do with book and movie characters with specific links to individuals and anything other called for citation or references. There was still a lot of mystique and mystery and they seemed to like it that way. Edna blew a raspberry. Oh, well, don't kill your buzz. She looked around with a feeling of accomplishment, the place looked better. That didn't take much at all. Maybe I should redecorate, or really, decorate. It wasn't a great place in the first place and she wasn't allowed to paint or alter things much, so it was only ever going to look so good. Still, there was nothing wrong with making an effort. Looking at the place from the perspective of a visitor was a big difference as she'd had it set up solely for the function of one and it showed. Every area was a little nest where things fell into an easy reach, areas that were stepped into like pilots bays. A little pushing and pulling of things made the couch area more hospitable with the coffee table cleaned off, more central and easy to navigate around. A few minutes had made a huge difference and that was enough for now. Edna plopped down on the couch, taking in the view from there. Better. She didn't want to make it look like she tried to hard either, she thought. Crap, where is the line there. Whatever. Whatever. She got up and gave the bed a quick primp, flick flick, plump plump, and closed the door. She opened the window in the living room. She was going to have one of her rare cigarettes and she didn't like smoke to get into bedroom. An open pack, sealed with the cellophane inverted over the open end, waited in the door of the freezer. For a moment she wanted to swear, but she had made coffee, she'd just forgotten she'd made coffee. It was warm and waiting for her in the pot. Fixing herself a mug, she took it into the living room by the window and extracted a cigarette from the pack. She didn't smoke much at all but she liked to be able to have one now and then. Did vampires smoke? Spike did on Buffy but who knows what he got out of it. Maybe it was just a habit. Kind of dangerous if you can light yourself on fire, they did look kinda flammable on that show. Coffee and cigarette. It was such a nice day. Blowing the smoke out the window, she couldn't help but think she really liked that show, especially Spike at the end, but she didn't think vampires were like them at all. That show was all from Joss Whedon's head and mostly they were suppose to be symbolic of things. What was the deal with souls. If she was going to hang out with Michael, she really had to get over the vampire thing and not be such a weirdo about it. She should know better than anybody how annoying it was when people kept wanting to pick at one thing about a person, not being white. Some people were such idiots about it, saying the stupidest things, thinking she was the racial question and answer station, asking things that went beyond stereotypical because they couldn't think of anything to say, or just because they were dumb. This town was lousy with idiots. She really had to get out of this town. Why was he in this town? People asked it of her all the time. Just enjoy your cigarette. Mindfulness. It was bright outside, but chilly. The windows had southern exposure so the place would really heat up by the afternoon. It was really bad in the summer but fine for the colder months. It was probably nice out in the sunny spots, she mused. Maybe he'd go for a walk later, after she got dressed. The cigarette was reassuring. There was a time when she smoked a lot but that was a long time ago, and unless she was in a chain smoking phase, it never bothered her to cut down or not smoke for a while. She just liked to have the option, like any adult, she wanted to keep her hand in. Some day, she expected, she would quit completely, but one now and then wasn't so bad. She was still in her twenties, close enough to thirty, but it was your thirties when it was time to finally quit things. How this mattered when she smoked pot was still up in the air. She hoped never to quit pot. Maybe she'd get a vaporizer, they were suppose to be the best way to use marijuana, but they were really expensive. No use worrying about it yet. Good coffee. More coffee. Mindfulness. Add the sweetener, pour the milk, stir. She stretched. Her buzz was fading from its peak and she wondered what time it was. It didn't matter, she reminded herself, nothing mattered today. She had enough pot left to stay high all day if she wanted, and she could get a hold of Billy later and get some more before she was out. She had enough cash so she could cover the bill and then Michael could just pay her back. It would be easier that way. She gathered the pipe and box together on the coffee table and switched off the music. She flicked around with the remote until she found something agreeable, it looked like an underwater documentary, pretty and soothing. She loaded the pipe and left it ready, sipping her coffee. She was comfy, she had coffee, and a bowl awaited when and if it was need. Things were good, things were fine, just enjoy it. Something pulled like a tense neck muscle, as if she was forgetting something, but she couldn't remember, it was a lost cause. She was going to avoid the internet for now. She'd check mail and things eventually. Enjoy things while you can. Nothing is wrong. You're high, what are you going to do anyway. She'd already decided it was going to be one of those stay high days if she could help it. She singed the red hair off the bowl and enjoyed the taste of it. Her head thrummed with it. A fish rippled by in striped and glowy glory.